“...relationships and spaces that previously were a safe harbour can be transformed into something more effortful. It’s hard when you find yourself having to perform for people who previously you could just be with”. This. This is exactly it. For this reason I have distanced myself from many. It’s enough effort as it is to just get through multiple ivf cycles. It’s sad but was necessary. You got the experience of a pregnancy announcement spot on - it’s SUCH a minefield of emotions whilst having to outwardly have the appropriate and expected reaction.
Thank you - I’m sorry you’re having to distance yourself though. It’s an ongoing push and pull, I think trying to protect yourself - especially during something as draining and all-consuming as an IVF cycle - while also trying to participate and maintain relationships. I hope you get lots of time to rest and restore a bit of equilibrium this Christmas. Xxx
The distance that reproductive struggles/trauma creates within even the closest of relationships is so, so tough. I'm really sorry this has been your experience too.
Your words really speak to me this week Jennie. I can feel myself pulling further and further inward in my sadness at secondary infertility. I never wanted to end up back in this place again but just can’t find a way out. It’s all just incredibly hard, as your words this week articulate so well.
I’m so sorry, Rebekah. For what it’s worth, I think sometimes we have to retreat a little, protect ourselves for a bit, and then we can move forward again. I hope you get some time to rest and fill up your cup again. Xxx
As always, your words resonated with me deeply, particularly this line: "How can this cuddle convince everybody that you’re Actually Fine and not a lunatic who might burst into tears and/or steal this baby (which is not your baby)?"
Holding an old friend's baby last year - who would have been the same age as my baby if I'd not miscarried - was possibly the hardest thing for me and the mental gymnastics required to NOT think of it like this is often too much.
I know exactly what you mean. It’s like that ‘don’t think of a white bear’ thing. You know you need to put that other version of events out of your mind, but in being aware of that, you can’t think of anything else. Sending lots of love. Xxx
I ended up taking care of a coworker’s baby (I am an infant teacher) who was born basically the same week as the due date of the pregnancy I lost. It was eventually fine, but I remember being annoyed because she had told me it was an accidental pregnancy; she said she and her boyfriend had intended to wait at least one more year before they started trying and then she found out she was pregnant.
Gosh, as always I'm blown away by how much your words resonate with my experience. Thanks so much Jennie. Feeling soooo exhausted with all of the above right now. I'm especially troubled by still finding pregnancy announcements utterly soul-destroying despite finally having a living baby.
Somewhat off topic, but not being able to get a place in my local NCT group because I left it too late to book was really significant for me and I haven't come across anyone else who this happened to. Most of my friends have formed really close friendships with their NCT pals and it didn't work out for me as they all lived too far away to meet up regularly. I also found all the chat about when they were all going to have their second baby really alienating (and the pregnancy announcements in the NCT WhatsApp group have already started). It's yet another secondary loss.
This was the same with us - we did get a place on an NCT group, but it was slightly further away (and also during lockdown, which didn’t help) so it never really clicked for us. For me, there are so many of these tiny secondary losses…but it’s very difficult to know what to do with them/how to articulate them.
Sending you lots of love for the end of the year (and the pregnancy announcement rush-hour). Xx
I'm really sorry NCT didn't really work out for you either. I've found other supportive spaces to connect with other parents, but I always feel that parenting after so much loss sets me apart somewhat.
Thanks for the love Jennie. Sending lots of love back to you too. I hope it's as gentle and festive as possible for you in the wake of yet another heartbreaking loss xx
Oh goodness, it never stops! So sorry that you had to go through this. I never thought about that with NCT groups and people announcing second babies! 😱
This is, I have to say, one small silver lining of not having an NCT group that really gelled/stayed the course. I haven’t had to field second baby announcements from that front, at least! Xxx
Thanks, Laura. I hope you're able to carve out some quiet, 'offstage' time for yourself this year. (I read your recent post, so I know there's a lot going on around Christmas for you, loss-wise). xx
“...relationships and spaces that previously were a safe harbour can be transformed into something more effortful. It’s hard when you find yourself having to perform for people who previously you could just be with”. This. This is exactly it. For this reason I have distanced myself from many. It’s enough effort as it is to just get through multiple ivf cycles. It’s sad but was necessary. You got the experience of a pregnancy announcement spot on - it’s SUCH a minefield of emotions whilst having to outwardly have the appropriate and expected reaction.
Thank you - I’m sorry you’re having to distance yourself though. It’s an ongoing push and pull, I think trying to protect yourself - especially during something as draining and all-consuming as an IVF cycle - while also trying to participate and maintain relationships. I hope you get lots of time to rest and restore a bit of equilibrium this Christmas. Xxx
The distance that reproductive struggles/trauma creates within even the closest of relationships is so, so tough. I'm really sorry this has been your experience too.
Your words really speak to me this week Jennie. I can feel myself pulling further and further inward in my sadness at secondary infertility. I never wanted to end up back in this place again but just can’t find a way out. It’s all just incredibly hard, as your words this week articulate so well.
I’m so sorry, Rebekah. For what it’s worth, I think sometimes we have to retreat a little, protect ourselves for a bit, and then we can move forward again. I hope you get some time to rest and fill up your cup again. Xxx
As always, your words resonated with me deeply, particularly this line: "How can this cuddle convince everybody that you’re Actually Fine and not a lunatic who might burst into tears and/or steal this baby (which is not your baby)?"
Holding an old friend's baby last year - who would have been the same age as my baby if I'd not miscarried - was possibly the hardest thing for me and the mental gymnastics required to NOT think of it like this is often too much.
I know exactly what you mean. It’s like that ‘don’t think of a white bear’ thing. You know you need to put that other version of events out of your mind, but in being aware of that, you can’t think of anything else. Sending lots of love. Xxx
I ended up taking care of a coworker’s baby (I am an infant teacher) who was born basically the same week as the due date of the pregnancy I lost. It was eventually fine, but I remember being annoyed because she had told me it was an accidental pregnancy; she said she and her boyfriend had intended to wait at least one more year before they started trying and then she found out she was pregnant.
Gosh, as always I'm blown away by how much your words resonate with my experience. Thanks so much Jennie. Feeling soooo exhausted with all of the above right now. I'm especially troubled by still finding pregnancy announcements utterly soul-destroying despite finally having a living baby.
Somewhat off topic, but not being able to get a place in my local NCT group because I left it too late to book was really significant for me and I haven't come across anyone else who this happened to. Most of my friends have formed really close friendships with their NCT pals and it didn't work out for me as they all lived too far away to meet up regularly. I also found all the chat about when they were all going to have their second baby really alienating (and the pregnancy announcements in the NCT WhatsApp group have already started). It's yet another secondary loss.
This was the same with us - we did get a place on an NCT group, but it was slightly further away (and also during lockdown, which didn’t help) so it never really clicked for us. For me, there are so many of these tiny secondary losses…but it’s very difficult to know what to do with them/how to articulate them.
Sending you lots of love for the end of the year (and the pregnancy announcement rush-hour). Xx
I'm really sorry NCT didn't really work out for you either. I've found other supportive spaces to connect with other parents, but I always feel that parenting after so much loss sets me apart somewhat.
Thanks for the love Jennie. Sending lots of love back to you too. I hope it's as gentle and festive as possible for you in the wake of yet another heartbreaking loss xx
Oh goodness, it never stops! So sorry that you had to go through this. I never thought about that with NCT groups and people announcing second babies! 😱
This is, I have to say, one small silver lining of not having an NCT group that really gelled/stayed the course. I haven’t had to field second baby announcements from that front, at least! Xxx
This definitely resonates!
Thanks, Laura. I hope you're able to carve out some quiet, 'offstage' time for yourself this year. (I read your recent post, so I know there's a lot going on around Christmas for you, loss-wise). xx
Thank you, I appreciate it!