Jennie this is, as always, a magical piece of writing. How do you always echo so much of what I’m thinking?? After five pregnancies, one healthy child, one neonatal death - I’ve just found out my uterus is extensively scarred and I may or may not be able to conceive without a £6k private surgery, not offered on the NHS because I have a child, advised immediately because of my rapidly advancing age (their words, as ever). So much of what you’re saying chimes with me. Do I want this to keep taking up this much of life? Hope you’re ok. Thinking of you.
I think people say keep trying because when they try to imagine that deep desire going unmet, they panic. And contemporary culture imposes this bizarre idea that with enough hard work and will “anything” can be achieved. But infertility is one of those things that shows us the limits of being human, the limits of the body and the psyche. It’s scary having to define those limits for yourself in the face of such a culture, but it’s brave. For what it’s worth, what you’ve been through would outstrip what “counts” as enough for many. You’ve probably been braver than I could have been. Trying is brave but knowing when to stop trying is braver.
I’m just commenting to say how amazing it is to see these thoughts written down. I’ve never seen anything like this before, & I can relate so much. I’m 7 miscarriages in, I have one child, 6 losses were after him. Mix of ivf & natural pregnancies. I am almost mentally done but I have 2 frozen embryos left. I can’t bear to transfer & lose them as I have no hope left that they’ll work but while they sit waiting there I'm not 100% finished. I have grieved not having a sibling for my boy for years but as he gets older it does sometimes get a little easier. Each miscarriage made it easier to say no more, or rather no more right now, as for me also it was a process that took many months: to conceive, wait out each hugely anxious first trimester, heartbeat usually stopping at 9/10 weeks, wait for second confirmation scan, wait to miscarry, decide on meds/ waiting to happen naturally / d&c, literally pass the baby, bleed for weeks, grieve, wait for cytogenetics results, wait for the next period to eventually arrive, try to recover physically & mentally. And parent at the same time. It felt like each consecutive year of having 2 miscarriages took the full year from me almost. And so few people understand that. The few friends who had a single early loss & then no more losses couldn’t fully relate to my particular type of drawn out recurrent missed miscarriage. And the physical toll it takes & the time it takes from your life. As well as recurrent grief. I do want a sibling but I can’t stir myself into taking any action. It’s been over a year since my last 2 failed transfers & 2 years since my last miscarriage & not acting is all I’m doing re fertility. Stopped trying naturally, not planning the last transfers. Just choosing to do nothing, while still mourning the way it turned out for me & my son, that he doesn’t have the siblings he asks for & that I can’t provide one. It can’t change anything but to read that someone else gets it, does mean something. Thank you for your writing & for sharing Jennie.
I feel this so deep. I'm still figuring it out. Most of me feels done trying, but then there's this little part of me that can't help still hoping and wondering. I think you summarized it perfectly at the end here: "I want [a] baby. But I don’t know that I want one at the expense of everything else."
This. All of this. We are still trying for our second child. I have had three miscarriages total, 2 since we started trying again 3 years ago. Our daughter recently turned 4. Having been pregnant 4 times of course has taken a physical toll. I want a second child probably more than most people, but I don’t want one badly enough to go through the process of treatment again (4 failed IUIs was enough for me the first time around, I can’t handle going through treatment again and don’t want to). We are certainly hopeful that since ultimately all four of our pregnancies occurred without treatment that I will conceive again, but we’ve been trying again since February, and with my 36th birthday approaching this week, I am feeling more discouraged than I thought I would. My husband and I finally conceived our daughter 3.5 years into trying the first time. And being older now, I am not concerned if it takes me longer to have a successful pregnancy. But I don’t know that I ever thought hard enough about it to have an end date in mind. One of my friends I worked with said that she was not trying, not preventing but still hoping she would get pregnant again up until she hit 39, at which point she accepted that her one son was what she had.
I think often of the show Friday Night Lights where Tami becomes pregnant when her daughter is 15- she gets asked if she planned it, and she says “We planned it like 13 years ago. Then 12 years ago, then 11 years ago, then 10 years ago. And we figured, we have our beautiful girl, and maybe it just wasn’t part of God’s plan.” And her friend replies with, “Looks like God changed his mind.” It is that moment that always makes me think about those of us who really are at the point where we just figure that it won’t happen for us, but sometimes it does, and it is all just so confusing and complicated.
I have been trying to conceive most of the time (really only had a break in 2019 when I was pregnant and October 2019-September 2020 when she was an infant) since August of 2015- it is a long time, and it is all harder than I ever expected it to be.
Thank you for writing this. I needed in some way to hear it. The ambiguity, the angst of either way, the way the world just does not help or understand. The way it feels to sit with it, not knowing which way to go and what you will regret most. And how the losses on either side of the decision are so far-ranging that you don't know how to grasp them. I'm struggling with this right now. And I'm exhausted, and it's bracing to my spine to read this.
Thank you for writing about this Jennie. We battled for years to have one child, and since then I've been experiencing all kinds of cycle problems. We had hoped to have a second child but after a consult with a gynae before her second birthday last year, it was recommended I have an endometrial ablation, which means no more pregnancies. I've recently had that done so that has cemented our decision to only have the one. And sure, there are other ways to have more, but somehow, in preparing for that procedure, I decided it was enough. I can't put my body through anything more and we don't have the financial aid or emotional strength to pursue other avenues - it cost so much, emotionally and physically, to have just one, that I don't want to try anything else. As you wrote, I am relearning to live in my body and that is a good thing too.
Nov 27, 2023·edited Nov 27, 2023Liked by Jennie Agg
I've been thinking about this a lot since last week as I've felt in a similar place (no living child yet). The best analogy I can find is buying things at auction (we've been doing a fair bit of buying/selling as we've cleared my grandmother's house recently). I feel like, particularly at auction, even when you really fall in love with something, you just instinctively know when you've reached your limit of what you are prepared to pay for it.
That could be to do with the amount of money you have to spend or it could be to do with the amount you feel you 'want' that item. I quite often say 'I like it but I don't £X love it'.
Maybe it is a crude example, but I feel like this, for me, is the same. I want a baby, well a child, another member of our family, the next generation. I'd love this. I definitely 2years-without-alcohol-or-caffeine want it. I two-to-three-miscarriages-first-maybe-we'll-find-an-answer want it. But I'm not sure I losing-years-of-my-life-losing-friendships-losing-running-and-fitness-and-nine-dead-babies-but-no-answers want it.
And, I think that, for me is the thing, we don't all 'pay' the same amount for motherhood, or children. The costs are set differently and only we can say what we are willing to pay.
So, I don't think that it is about 'wanting it enough', it (for me) is about realising the price (for me) might be about to exceed what I'm willing and/or able to pay with my mind/body/relationships/life/self.
And I'm both sorry the cost is high for so many but also think it is ok to feel that and be done (not that anyone needs permission, we just don't have a lot of spaces where the price/cost is talked about, seen and the expense is recognised and can have it affirmed that it might be excessive).
Just wow. I have never read anything so poignant about how it feels to be in this shit show that is recurrent miscarriage. I’m so sorry for your losses. My ‘journey’ started 13 years ago, 4years of trying, 4 miscarriages then our first, a surprise second baby 20 months later (which I only found out at 15 weeks and felt like such an insane stroke of luck - no endless trying - no crippling first trimester fear). Then feeling quite done for a long time (though always this niggling maybe? In the back of my head) then another two miscarriages - and I felt SO done. Like I could not put my physical health, mental health and TIME into this anymore. And also the time I felt it stole from my boys. We got rid of everything and I did feel content and at peace with the choice - but there was always that little maybe in the back of my head. Two years ago my dad passed away, and I fell pregnant again just after and it was the hardest pregnancy of them all. I felt like a lunatic for getting pregnant for the 9th time - 9! And with my track record obviously thinking no way would it end well. But by some stroke of magic it did - and now I am actually actually done - there is such peace in knowing I’m never ever getting pregnant again. I don’t know what I am trying to say other than I believe that if you feel done in, even though it wasn’t what you wanted - I believe it is possible to find peace and contentment with that. But also maybe - if you want - you can leave the door ajar. Just a little. And maybe. Lots of love
Thank you for writing down such a great way of describing this feeling. I'm not sure if anyone will read this so long after you wrote the article but I've found it after having had my fourth miscarriage six weeks ago, which was my second missed at 12 weeks. We had our daughter after I'd just turned 39 and at 41 started trying for our second and have, in the last 15 months, had four miscarriages which has been so painful. This last one feels like I'm done because the decision has been made for me due to age, which is worse because I'm currently tormented by it and knowing my daughter won't have a sibling. When I'm feeling strong, I can think rationally and almost accept it but really, I'm struggling and I think about it literally most of the day, every day. I want the whole thing to just go away or wish we never went down this path of a second child. So yes, I'm done but because there can be no more for me. Thank you for all your wonderful writing, Jennie. Your many words have been so helpful as I've been navigating this traumatic journey. Sending you much love xx
I just stumbled across your piece Jennie and I'm so glad I did. I can relate so much to the writing, and the comments too. I'm just about coming out of my self imposed hibernation after a 3rd miscarriage before Christmas. It is now dawning on me the choices (or not) that we have to pursue now, and how desperately I would love to be pregnant again (whilst also being terrified). It is all so, so hard to navigate but conversations like these hold a bit of light up in what is often a very lonely place to be. Thank you 💕
Wow, this was such an amazing piece Jennie (you have many, but this one is definitely up there). I found myself at the other side of the sibling lottery and still there was so much I could relate to. After getting my rainbow after 3 miscarriages I still felt this ever present anxiety, nothing like being pregnant of course, but still there, in the back of my mind and in gut all the time. Just knowing I would want to try for a sibling one day and knowing I would have to get pregnant again was such a heavy burden I decided to start trying sooner than I would otherwise would have, because I wanted it DONE - sooo desperately. Also, 100% believing I would have *at least* one miscarriage in this new journey, I thought it would be better to start trying sooner, so I might have the 'luxury' of time to recover both physically and mentally from one or more miscarriages before deciding to try again (taking into account my age >35, and sibling age gap etc.). We started trying when my rainbow baby was 9 months old and I conceived 3 months later (like you I believe I conceive *way* too easily, so this isn't necessarily a comfort in my case) - like some kind of true miracle this fifth pregnancy became my second rainbow and then I had two under two. Which of course has it's own challenges, but whenever people comment on the age gap, it's very emotional for me, as I know the direct relation this gap has to my miscarriage history. I don't think people ever see that or ever guess it - a small gap is a sign of fertility right? (possibly hyper-fertility in my case). I too look at other siblings' age gap and try to guess the reasons behind them, knowing they won't guess mine...I never got that feeling of 'completing' my family (like many women experience after pregnancy loss), but putting in my contraceptive implant and knowing I never ever ever ever have to get pregnant again has given me more inner peace than I can put into words. Hope you find your inner peace, whichever path that might be. xxx
This is such a well written post about a topic that so few can even comprehend. I’m in a very similar place, 5 miscarriages from 7 rounds of treatment since having our son and I just don’t know how much more I can take.
Jennie this is, as always, a magical piece of writing. How do you always echo so much of what I’m thinking?? After five pregnancies, one healthy child, one neonatal death - I’ve just found out my uterus is extensively scarred and I may or may not be able to conceive without a £6k private surgery, not offered on the NHS because I have a child, advised immediately because of my rapidly advancing age (their words, as ever). So much of what you’re saying chimes with me. Do I want this to keep taking up this much of life? Hope you’re ok. Thinking of you.
I think people say keep trying because when they try to imagine that deep desire going unmet, they panic. And contemporary culture imposes this bizarre idea that with enough hard work and will “anything” can be achieved. But infertility is one of those things that shows us the limits of being human, the limits of the body and the psyche. It’s scary having to define those limits for yourself in the face of such a culture, but it’s brave. For what it’s worth, what you’ve been through would outstrip what “counts” as enough for many. You’ve probably been braver than I could have been. Trying is brave but knowing when to stop trying is braver.
I’m just commenting to say how amazing it is to see these thoughts written down. I’ve never seen anything like this before, & I can relate so much. I’m 7 miscarriages in, I have one child, 6 losses were after him. Mix of ivf & natural pregnancies. I am almost mentally done but I have 2 frozen embryos left. I can’t bear to transfer & lose them as I have no hope left that they’ll work but while they sit waiting there I'm not 100% finished. I have grieved not having a sibling for my boy for years but as he gets older it does sometimes get a little easier. Each miscarriage made it easier to say no more, or rather no more right now, as for me also it was a process that took many months: to conceive, wait out each hugely anxious first trimester, heartbeat usually stopping at 9/10 weeks, wait for second confirmation scan, wait to miscarry, decide on meds/ waiting to happen naturally / d&c, literally pass the baby, bleed for weeks, grieve, wait for cytogenetics results, wait for the next period to eventually arrive, try to recover physically & mentally. And parent at the same time. It felt like each consecutive year of having 2 miscarriages took the full year from me almost. And so few people understand that. The few friends who had a single early loss & then no more losses couldn’t fully relate to my particular type of drawn out recurrent missed miscarriage. And the physical toll it takes & the time it takes from your life. As well as recurrent grief. I do want a sibling but I can’t stir myself into taking any action. It’s been over a year since my last 2 failed transfers & 2 years since my last miscarriage & not acting is all I’m doing re fertility. Stopped trying naturally, not planning the last transfers. Just choosing to do nothing, while still mourning the way it turned out for me & my son, that he doesn’t have the siblings he asks for & that I can’t provide one. It can’t change anything but to read that someone else gets it, does mean something. Thank you for your writing & for sharing Jennie.
I feel this so deep. I'm still figuring it out. Most of me feels done trying, but then there's this little part of me that can't help still hoping and wondering. I think you summarized it perfectly at the end here: "I want [a] baby. But I don’t know that I want one at the expense of everything else."
This. All of this. We are still trying for our second child. I have had three miscarriages total, 2 since we started trying again 3 years ago. Our daughter recently turned 4. Having been pregnant 4 times of course has taken a physical toll. I want a second child probably more than most people, but I don’t want one badly enough to go through the process of treatment again (4 failed IUIs was enough for me the first time around, I can’t handle going through treatment again and don’t want to). We are certainly hopeful that since ultimately all four of our pregnancies occurred without treatment that I will conceive again, but we’ve been trying again since February, and with my 36th birthday approaching this week, I am feeling more discouraged than I thought I would. My husband and I finally conceived our daughter 3.5 years into trying the first time. And being older now, I am not concerned if it takes me longer to have a successful pregnancy. But I don’t know that I ever thought hard enough about it to have an end date in mind. One of my friends I worked with said that she was not trying, not preventing but still hoping she would get pregnant again up until she hit 39, at which point she accepted that her one son was what she had.
I think often of the show Friday Night Lights where Tami becomes pregnant when her daughter is 15- she gets asked if she planned it, and she says “We planned it like 13 years ago. Then 12 years ago, then 11 years ago, then 10 years ago. And we figured, we have our beautiful girl, and maybe it just wasn’t part of God’s plan.” And her friend replies with, “Looks like God changed his mind.” It is that moment that always makes me think about those of us who really are at the point where we just figure that it won’t happen for us, but sometimes it does, and it is all just so confusing and complicated.
I have been trying to conceive most of the time (really only had a break in 2019 when I was pregnant and October 2019-September 2020 when she was an infant) since August of 2015- it is a long time, and it is all harder than I ever expected it to be.
Thank you for writing this. I needed in some way to hear it. The ambiguity, the angst of either way, the way the world just does not help or understand. The way it feels to sit with it, not knowing which way to go and what you will regret most. And how the losses on either side of the decision are so far-ranging that you don't know how to grasp them. I'm struggling with this right now. And I'm exhausted, and it's bracing to my spine to read this.
Thank you for writing about this Jennie. We battled for years to have one child, and since then I've been experiencing all kinds of cycle problems. We had hoped to have a second child but after a consult with a gynae before her second birthday last year, it was recommended I have an endometrial ablation, which means no more pregnancies. I've recently had that done so that has cemented our decision to only have the one. And sure, there are other ways to have more, but somehow, in preparing for that procedure, I decided it was enough. I can't put my body through anything more and we don't have the financial aid or emotional strength to pursue other avenues - it cost so much, emotionally and physically, to have just one, that I don't want to try anything else. As you wrote, I am relearning to live in my body and that is a good thing too.
I've been thinking about this a lot since last week as I've felt in a similar place (no living child yet). The best analogy I can find is buying things at auction (we've been doing a fair bit of buying/selling as we've cleared my grandmother's house recently). I feel like, particularly at auction, even when you really fall in love with something, you just instinctively know when you've reached your limit of what you are prepared to pay for it.
That could be to do with the amount of money you have to spend or it could be to do with the amount you feel you 'want' that item. I quite often say 'I like it but I don't £X love it'.
Maybe it is a crude example, but I feel like this, for me, is the same. I want a baby, well a child, another member of our family, the next generation. I'd love this. I definitely 2years-without-alcohol-or-caffeine want it. I two-to-three-miscarriages-first-maybe-we'll-find-an-answer want it. But I'm not sure I losing-years-of-my-life-losing-friendships-losing-running-and-fitness-and-nine-dead-babies-but-no-answers want it.
And, I think that, for me is the thing, we don't all 'pay' the same amount for motherhood, or children. The costs are set differently and only we can say what we are willing to pay.
So, I don't think that it is about 'wanting it enough', it (for me) is about realising the price (for me) might be about to exceed what I'm willing and/or able to pay with my mind/body/relationships/life/self.
And I'm both sorry the cost is high for so many but also think it is ok to feel that and be done (not that anyone needs permission, we just don't have a lot of spaces where the price/cost is talked about, seen and the expense is recognised and can have it affirmed that it might be excessive).
Just wow. I have never read anything so poignant about how it feels to be in this shit show that is recurrent miscarriage. I’m so sorry for your losses. My ‘journey’ started 13 years ago, 4years of trying, 4 miscarriages then our first, a surprise second baby 20 months later (which I only found out at 15 weeks and felt like such an insane stroke of luck - no endless trying - no crippling first trimester fear). Then feeling quite done for a long time (though always this niggling maybe? In the back of my head) then another two miscarriages - and I felt SO done. Like I could not put my physical health, mental health and TIME into this anymore. And also the time I felt it stole from my boys. We got rid of everything and I did feel content and at peace with the choice - but there was always that little maybe in the back of my head. Two years ago my dad passed away, and I fell pregnant again just after and it was the hardest pregnancy of them all. I felt like a lunatic for getting pregnant for the 9th time - 9! And with my track record obviously thinking no way would it end well. But by some stroke of magic it did - and now I am actually actually done - there is such peace in knowing I’m never ever getting pregnant again. I don’t know what I am trying to say other than I believe that if you feel done in, even though it wasn’t what you wanted - I believe it is possible to find peace and contentment with that. But also maybe - if you want - you can leave the door ajar. Just a little. And maybe. Lots of love
just brilliant, Jennie. So much in here, so brilliantly articulated and explored. as always, thank you for your honesty and vulnerability x
Thank you for writing down such a great way of describing this feeling. I'm not sure if anyone will read this so long after you wrote the article but I've found it after having had my fourth miscarriage six weeks ago, which was my second missed at 12 weeks. We had our daughter after I'd just turned 39 and at 41 started trying for our second and have, in the last 15 months, had four miscarriages which has been so painful. This last one feels like I'm done because the decision has been made for me due to age, which is worse because I'm currently tormented by it and knowing my daughter won't have a sibling. When I'm feeling strong, I can think rationally and almost accept it but really, I'm struggling and I think about it literally most of the day, every day. I want the whole thing to just go away or wish we never went down this path of a second child. So yes, I'm done but because there can be no more for me. Thank you for all your wonderful writing, Jennie. Your many words have been so helpful as I've been navigating this traumatic journey. Sending you much love xx
I just stumbled across your piece Jennie and I'm so glad I did. I can relate so much to the writing, and the comments too. I'm just about coming out of my self imposed hibernation after a 3rd miscarriage before Christmas. It is now dawning on me the choices (or not) that we have to pursue now, and how desperately I would love to be pregnant again (whilst also being terrified). It is all so, so hard to navigate but conversations like these hold a bit of light up in what is often a very lonely place to be. Thank you 💕
Powerfully written. Wishing you all the best, I can only imagine how hard this must be ❤️
Wow, this was such an amazing piece Jennie (you have many, but this one is definitely up there). I found myself at the other side of the sibling lottery and still there was so much I could relate to. After getting my rainbow after 3 miscarriages I still felt this ever present anxiety, nothing like being pregnant of course, but still there, in the back of my mind and in gut all the time. Just knowing I would want to try for a sibling one day and knowing I would have to get pregnant again was such a heavy burden I decided to start trying sooner than I would otherwise would have, because I wanted it DONE - sooo desperately. Also, 100% believing I would have *at least* one miscarriage in this new journey, I thought it would be better to start trying sooner, so I might have the 'luxury' of time to recover both physically and mentally from one or more miscarriages before deciding to try again (taking into account my age >35, and sibling age gap etc.). We started trying when my rainbow baby was 9 months old and I conceived 3 months later (like you I believe I conceive *way* too easily, so this isn't necessarily a comfort in my case) - like some kind of true miracle this fifth pregnancy became my second rainbow and then I had two under two. Which of course has it's own challenges, but whenever people comment on the age gap, it's very emotional for me, as I know the direct relation this gap has to my miscarriage history. I don't think people ever see that or ever guess it - a small gap is a sign of fertility right? (possibly hyper-fertility in my case). I too look at other siblings' age gap and try to guess the reasons behind them, knowing they won't guess mine...I never got that feeling of 'completing' my family (like many women experience after pregnancy loss), but putting in my contraceptive implant and knowing I never ever ever ever have to get pregnant again has given me more inner peace than I can put into words. Hope you find your inner peace, whichever path that might be. xxx
❤️
This is such a well written post about a topic that so few can even comprehend. I’m in a very similar place, 5 miscarriages from 7 rounds of treatment since having our son and I just don’t know how much more I can take.