My daughter’s 4th birthday is coming up on Friday, and I never really thought about why I didn’t post terribly often on social media when she was a baby (I did the monthly milestones and some stories on Instagram, but I wasn’t posting all the time like other mom friends). I did not announce my pregnancy in the traditional sense because of how painful pregnancy announcements had been for me in the 3.5 years we were trying to conceive our daughter. My twin sister and I ended up having pregnancies that overlapped (her son was born about 4 months before my daughter), so I allowed her to post on my behalf about how excited she was that we were pregnant together. I had maybe one other post where I was visibly pregnant before posting maternity pictures in September. I definitely felt a sense of guilt that I was finally getting what I had wanted for so long, and the fact that she was conceived the cycle after our 4th IUI attempt failed meant that well-meaning acquaintances said things like “oh it happened when you stopped trying” which irked me to no end (we had had periods of “not trying so hard” post miscarriage in 2015 and in the fall of 2018 after trying IUI 3 times in back to back cycles that spring/summer, so I did not appreciate this narrative that I had somehow made my pregnancy happen by not caring as much). There are complicated feelings as well because I still want another child, and we have had two miscarriages in the last three years, so I am again feeling guilty that I have one child that I longed for so much for years and am still not satisfied.
I dislike that 'oh it happened when you stopped trying' narrative, too. That's just never once been true for us. And I know exactly what you mean about the guilt that comes with wanting another child. A really helpful way I saw someone frame it once was something like: 'it's not that they aren't enough, it's that they are wonderful, you want to do it again'. Also, sidenote, but people who don't have fertility challenges almost NEVER have to justify how many children they want... xxx
I have always felt guilty I didn’t struggle to get pregnant with my kids, it has always felt very unfair for us to be twins and for me to be unable to truly know what it’s like for you to struggle with infertility. It is hard to believe your miracle baby is turning 4. She is wonderful and I absolutely understand why you are still waiting on another miracle 🌈 I love seeing Naveed and Hannah together and I may repost the We love you HB song for her birthday!
Jennie, this all resonates so much with me. The "survivor's guilt" has been so tricky to navigate. My son is 17 months old now and it still ebbs and flows in intensity but never fully dissipates. Sending love and thanks.
Wow Jennie, I never thought about how it might feel to be on the other side of infertility, and how the trauma of it could impact the experience of parenthood. Thank you for writing about your experience. ❤️
My daughter’s 4th birthday is coming up on Friday, and I never really thought about why I didn’t post terribly often on social media when she was a baby (I did the monthly milestones and some stories on Instagram, but I wasn’t posting all the time like other mom friends). I did not announce my pregnancy in the traditional sense because of how painful pregnancy announcements had been for me in the 3.5 years we were trying to conceive our daughter. My twin sister and I ended up having pregnancies that overlapped (her son was born about 4 months before my daughter), so I allowed her to post on my behalf about how excited she was that we were pregnant together. I had maybe one other post where I was visibly pregnant before posting maternity pictures in September. I definitely felt a sense of guilt that I was finally getting what I had wanted for so long, and the fact that she was conceived the cycle after our 4th IUI attempt failed meant that well-meaning acquaintances said things like “oh it happened when you stopped trying” which irked me to no end (we had had periods of “not trying so hard” post miscarriage in 2015 and in the fall of 2018 after trying IUI 3 times in back to back cycles that spring/summer, so I did not appreciate this narrative that I had somehow made my pregnancy happen by not caring as much). There are complicated feelings as well because I still want another child, and we have had two miscarriages in the last three years, so I am again feeling guilty that I have one child that I longed for so much for years and am still not satisfied.
I dislike that 'oh it happened when you stopped trying' narrative, too. That's just never once been true for us. And I know exactly what you mean about the guilt that comes with wanting another child. A really helpful way I saw someone frame it once was something like: 'it's not that they aren't enough, it's that they are wonderful, you want to do it again'. Also, sidenote, but people who don't have fertility challenges almost NEVER have to justify how many children they want... xxx
I have always felt guilty I didn’t struggle to get pregnant with my kids, it has always felt very unfair for us to be twins and for me to be unable to truly know what it’s like for you to struggle with infertility. It is hard to believe your miracle baby is turning 4. She is wonderful and I absolutely understand why you are still waiting on another miracle 🌈 I love seeing Naveed and Hannah together and I may repost the We love you HB song for her birthday!
Jennie, this all resonates so much with me. The "survivor's guilt" has been so tricky to navigate. My son is 17 months old now and it still ebbs and flows in intensity but never fully dissipates. Sending love and thanks.
This is fascinating, Louise. I never realized that “survivor’s guilt” was a thing following infertility, but that makes so much sense.
Wow Jennie, I never thought about how it might feel to be on the other side of infertility, and how the trauma of it could impact the experience of parenthood. Thank you for writing about your experience. ❤️