This week’s question: How are you feeling ahead of the Christmas holidays, honestly?
I’ll go first. Theoretically, Christmas is my favourite time of year. I love Christmas. I love the food. I love the music (bar a few notable exceptions). I love carols and going through the Radio Times with a highlighter. Decorating the tree with Darlene Love playing in the background, sipping hot chocolate. All that jazz.
But. But, but, but.
Christmas is also a time when memories of previous years, previous winters, previous Christmases feel more present than they do normally. As I wrote last week, it’s often a time of year that has me feeling very thin-skinned; emotions near the surface.
So. On the one hand, I always want to lean into the festivities, the excess of it all, the traditions and the nostalgia. But, I also know I need to proceed with a certain amount of care.
I am also, this year, trying not to dwell on the fact that, at one point, there was a chance I would be pregnant over Christmas - and not furtive first-trimester pregnant either.
So how about you? How are you feeling?
Overwhelmed at the thought of enquiries from family members about children and when you’re having them?
Excited, for the first time in a long time?
Too sad and tired for it all?
As always, I’d love to hear from you.
And, however you feel about Christmas this year, whatever your situation, something I do know is that it’s really important to seek out comfort - and ways to rest - even if joy feels out of reach.
I had 2 miscarriages this year so this Christmas should have been our first with a baby, or at the very least our first in the second trimester. Honestly, I’m dreading it which is reflected in the fact I’ve still barely done any shopping or prep. My twin got pregnant when I initially did, meaning I’m now the only sibling of 5 without children. In addition, my 2 older sisters who I’ve always been pretty close with stopped speaking to me (after months of barely doing so) when she gave birth. I called them out a couple of weeks ago, and told them how much it was affecting me, but all I got was a weak denial and some veiled comments about my ‘behaviour and attitude’ over the past year (after initially forcing myself to a couple of family events at the start of the year I recused myself until the baby was born to both save my own sanity and everyone else the inevitable awkwardness of trying to navigate an exciting pregnancy and depressing miscarriage simultaneously). All of which to say is I have an impending feeling of doom when it comes to the whole thing - my parents, twin and brother are all lovely and supportive but (understandably) will be very excited about it being the baby’s first Christmas, which will be tough as we’ll inevitably be wondering if we’ll ever have a Christmas with our own child in it. Thank god for silver linings - at the very very least I can have a drink
I wrote about how I am feeling about Christmas on my most recent substack posts. But the short answer is I feel sad and frustrated that it’s Christmas and we are still trying for our 2nd baby. The two miscarriages we have had since we started trying again had given me hope that maybe we wouldn’t be still doing this 3 years into when we started trying again, but we are and at Christmas, it just makes me feel worse.
When my husband was putting off decorating on Saturday night when I had asked him to help me get started because our 4 year old wanted to help with the tree, I lost it on him. All I wanted was to get this one thing done (and clearly I was trying to do it because it excited our daughter to decorate the Christmas tree with us, despite me not being in the best mood), and he wouldn’t do it! He ended up waiting an hour after I yelled at him, and we eventually enjoyed decorating- Hannah just went to bed about half an hour later than I had hoped she would. When I lost it on my husband, I told him that it should not be news to him that I am not in a good mood at Christmas that honestly I have written two posts about how I have been struggling this year at Christmas, so he should just read them if he want to know “why I’m in such a bad mood.”
My husband has read only about half the posts on my substack and none of the most recent ones- he wants me to just talk to him about how I am feeling, but it’s not easy to articulate. It ultimately boils down to- I am upset at this time of year. I am doing all I can to get through it and plan for time for me where I can just be and not have to pretend I am okay because I am decidedly not. I am looking forward to going on a weekend (child free) trip with my sister and our closest friend this upcoming weekend because they always let me be off the stage of having to pretend I am fine and it is such a relief.