Such an important point Jennie. There are so many aspects of baby loss where there is a recognised "right thing" and it's so harmful. A friend lost her first baby at 20 weeks and knew she didn't need to meet them or hold them - she was made to feel like a monster by so many including her counsellor (her counsellor!) and was told she wouldn't be able to grieve properly now, that she should have named her baby, and that her road to recovery would be much more difficult as a result of her choices. My heart broke for her, and the damage that message would do.
Drawing on my own experiences, we were made to feel that we really should hold a funeral for our daughter who died at 5 days old, and it ended up being deeply damaging and much more traumatising and difficult than her death, where our wishes were respected. I think there's a strong sense that we should all want the same things and grieve in the same way, and as a consequence so many of us go against what we feel in our bones. Thank you for drawing attention to this - eloquent as ever. xx
Exactly this - I think it's partly because it makes it easier for other people to feel they have a handle on the subject, they know the 'rules', so to speak. It all comes down to the need for more open discussion - and just more (as in volume!) discussion full stop - because it allows us to see and truly understand those differences. Thank you so much for reading, and for you thoughtful (as ever) comment. I hope you're doing OK.
Such an important point Jennie. There are so many aspects of baby loss where there is a recognised "right thing" and it's so harmful. A friend lost her first baby at 20 weeks and knew she didn't need to meet them or hold them - she was made to feel like a monster by so many including her counsellor (her counsellor!) and was told she wouldn't be able to grieve properly now, that she should have named her baby, and that her road to recovery would be much more difficult as a result of her choices. My heart broke for her, and the damage that message would do.
Drawing on my own experiences, we were made to feel that we really should hold a funeral for our daughter who died at 5 days old, and it ended up being deeply damaging and much more traumatising and difficult than her death, where our wishes were respected. I think there's a strong sense that we should all want the same things and grieve in the same way, and as a consequence so many of us go against what we feel in our bones. Thank you for drawing attention to this - eloquent as ever. xx
Exactly this - I think it's partly because it makes it easier for other people to feel they have a handle on the subject, they know the 'rules', so to speak. It all comes down to the need for more open discussion - and just more (as in volume!) discussion full stop - because it allows us to see and truly understand those differences. Thank you so much for reading, and for you thoughtful (as ever) comment. I hope you're doing OK.
xxx