Hibernation mode

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Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

Hello, hello.

This is a quick note to say ‘hi – and bye’. Just for a bit. I took a planned week off in October (after Baby Loss Awareness Week, which always, always, always knocks me sideways, energy-wise) and then… well, I haven’t seemed to be able to get started again.

I’m not burnt out, just craving thinking time and rest. Some down time. Some blank space. Naturally, I’ve spent the weeks that have elapsed since I last wrote to you, berating myself for this. There’s no reason for this! You’re fine! Get on with it!

But, if I actually think about it, I’ve spent the last three years working on my first book, Life, Almost: Miscarriage, misconceptions, and a search for answers from the brink of motherhood, in some capacity, without much breathing room: first pitching it, writing it, editing it, recording the audiobook, then two rounds of promoting it, writing about it, talking about it (to the loveliest people). Also, I suppose, the book itself documents some challenging years, which were barely in the rear-view mirror when I started writing it. So there’s that.  

Anyway, it’s time for a proper break. Hibernation mode. Living more like a creature, and less like a machine.

If you’re new to this newsletter – or my writing in general – there are plenty of previous posts you can read, such as this on when the desire for another child isn’t enough, this on feeling detached from your own grief, and this on the myth of women ‘leaving it too late’.

You can also read extracts from the book here and here. And this recent piece about what I wish I’d known before my first miscarriage.

As for the big, terrible news, I don’t have anything much of substance to add. This, from Marisa Bate, about why the election result feels so personal, even if you do not live in the United States, sums up a lot of what I feel. Likewise this, by Katherine May, on seeking answers, solace, and some kind of ministry for this moment. (Weirdly, I also found myself hyper-focusing on litter, on the day the news broke).

Personally, the only way I can think of to stave off despair right now, is to focus on what’s right in front of me. That means keeping life quiet and in-person. So: very little social media. Music instead of news first thing in the morning. And trying to stick to media coverage about what’s actually happening – not speculation.  

I’m not quitting, just resting. See you in spring.

P.S. A quick book recommendation before I go: I’ve just started this and I’m very keen on it. So far, it feels somewhere between The Miniaturist by Jessie Burton and Elizabeth Jane Howard’s Cazalet Chronicles. Also, it has the most gorgeous Delftware-inspired endpapers.